Emergency Maintenance
by Veil of Dreams
Summary: After narrowly escaping an ambush by team 10, Hidan and Kakuzu return to the Akatsuki hideout to rest and try to replace Kakuzu’s lost arms. But with the puppet master Sasori gone, who can Kakuzu turn to?


**AUTHOR'S NOTE: This fanfic was pieced together over a few hours several days after manga chapter 331 came out, and is set in the timeline somewhere shortly after said chapter. Don't expect this to hold up in canon when the next few chapters come out.**

**I'm not entirely certain if Kakuzu's arms are mechanical, or if those hands of his are pure flesh and bone attached to his body by ultra stretchy blood vessels (Ew). But for the purposes of this fanfic, I'm assuming they're machines.**

**DISCLAIMER: The Naruto universe belongs to one Masashi Kishimoto. I'm not him, but I doubt he has anything against fanfiction.**

**- - -**

Kakuzu reclined on the operating table and tried to calm his frayed nerves. Everything was going to be fine. It didn't matter that calling his arms 'scrap' was a generous claim. It was perfectly acceptable that he was putting his future into the hands of a certified psychopath.

Kakuzu muttered a curse under his breath. Who was he kidding? This whole situation had 'worst case scenario' written all over it. _I wouldn't be in this mess if that fat punk hadn't crushed my mechanical limbs with that freaky jutsu. As if he wasn't huge enough! _Kakuzu hissed through his teeth furiously, the mere memory of that debacle of a battle making his blood boil.

After a few moments of stewing in his anger, Kakuzu cast a glance towards his 'doctor', who was humming a cheerful little ditty as he sorted through various mechanical instruments, each stranger than the last. Kakuzu tried to swallow his nervousness with little success. "Are you SURE you know what you're doing?"

Deidara scoffed at Kakuzu's suspicions and put on his best air of dignity. "Of course I do! I'll have you know that I am an even greater artist than Sasori ever dreamed of being."

Kakuzu narrowed his eyes. "Yeah, an artist of _bombs_, not mechanical body parts. I don't want to go into battle just to explode the moment I try to fight."

Deidara sighed theatrically and shook his head. "No faith, hm? Don't you know that a patient's trust in the doctor is almost as important as the doctor's skill? Even if the doctor is a talented artisan such as myself, yeah."

Kakuzu grumbled and tried not to let Deidara's eccentric attitude peeve him. _Just relax. He said Sasori taught him how to design machines. He wouldn't lie in a situation like this. Just trust him. _Kakuzu's gaze wandered back towards Deidara just as the artist inspected one of his tools with a particularly nasty gleam in his eyes. One of the tools Kakuzu distinctly remembered Deidara favoring in the creation of his bombs. _Trust him? What the hell am I thinking? This guy is a total nutjob!_

"Deidara, if my arms blow up on me, I swear I will drag myself back here just to beat you to death with my ruined stumps."

Deidara's fake pout did little to allay Kakuzu's skepticism or temper. "I understood you the first time. No explosives. I'm not deaf, yeah? Now pipe down while I work my magic; an artist requires complete silence when crafting _perfection_."

_Silence? Yeah right; you sure as hell don't seem to mind the sound of explosions while you work. _After casting a final warning glare at the artist, Kakuzu shut his eyes and clung to what little trust he had in the madman to assure himself that he would still be alive to wake up when Deidara was done. Kakuzu drifted into an uneasy sleep to the sound of Deidara's soft cackling.

- - -

A few hours later, light invaded Kakuzu's world once more as his eyes slowly drifted open. He was still alive. He felt normal. A quick glance down his body confirmed the presence of both arms, and he could move them just as well as the old set. Kakuzu cautiously pushed off the table to stand on his feet, and felt no problems. _Well I'll be damned. Did Deidara really come through?_

"Well? What do you think? Those beauties put the old puppet master to shame, yeah? I even improved on the design."

Kakuzu glanced idly at the smiling artist before eying his arms warily, not yet ready to believe his luck just might be picking back up. "Are you sure they're not going to-"

Deidara cut Kakuzu off with a 'hmph' and gave the machine man a rather cross look. "Sheesh, you're _still_ going on about that? If my word really means so little to you, then you can just test the arms out before you go, yeah?"

Kakuzu mulled over Deidara's response briefly, then nodded. "Yeah. HEY HIDAN! GET IN HERE!"

Kakuzu's yell was met with a muffled thump and a string of vitriolic curses emanating from the next room. Hidan appeared in the doorway a moment later, looking none too pleased. "Whaddaya want, Kakuzu? I was trying to get some sleep. Don't tell me you want to head out again alre..." Hidan trailed off as Kakuzu stretched his right arm out towards Hidan in a pose the Jashin cultist was far too familiar with.

To both Kakuzu and Hidan's surprise, Kakuzu's mechanical arm launched forward with a rocket powered blast, its fingers wrapping around the curse user's neck in the blink of an eye. With a simple clench of his fist, Kakuzu easily broke Hidan's neck with a sickening crack. Its work done, Kakuzu's arm reeled back into its socket with a satisfying metallic chink, leaving Hidan with his head lolling about lifelessly on his shoulder in a precarious balance.

Hidan's head didn't stay lifeless for long. "What the hell was that one for, Kakuzu?!"

Kakuzu merely grunted at Hidan's outrage and shifted his head towards Deidara. "Don't give me that look. It was his idea." Deidara gasped at Kakuzu's words, and did his best to look appalled and indignant at the accusation.

It didn't work.

Hidan finished realigning and fusing his neck back together, and then shook his head around vigorously to test its integrity. "Well thanks a whole #$(&ing lot, Deidara. Kakuzu's new arm snaps my neck even faster than the last one." _Tch. It's a good thing my head didn't fall off completely; at least this I can fix myself. _

Deidara abandoned the charade of innocence and allowed a demented grin to dominate his face. "Of course, Hidan. Just remember me if you ever lose that head of yours for good, yeah? Maybe I'll make you one with a cleaner mouth, one that can only speak wonderful things about the great Deidara."

Kakuzu ignored the pair's bickering as he marveled over the power of his new arms. Not even Hidan's whining or Deidara's smug attitude could ruin his mood now. _Whatever bomb boy did to make these, they're even faster and stronger than the old ones. I'd like to see that damned copy ninja try and dodge them THIS time. But I'm getting ahead of myself; I should test the other arm first._

Hidan's anger towards Deidara was put on hold as his senses noticed Kakuzu lining up another attack. "Oh come ON, find someone else to test your little toys on, dammit! Why do you-"

The rest of Hidan's words were lost in the explosion that blanketed the entire room in shrapnel and soot.

Kakuzu stood frozen in place, his eyes locked on the smoldering remains of his left arm as thoughts of strangling a certain arrogant artist began to flood his mind. "DEIDARA! I'M GOING TO-"

Kakuzu cut off as he realized that the explosives expert was nowhere to be found. This only served to fuel Kakuzu's increasingly inarticulate rage. _MUST... KILL... SOMETHING..._

Hidan found Kakuzu's predicament to be absolutely hilarious. Kakuzu had received the worst of the blast, and was too angry to realize just what the explosion had done to his appearance. Hidan found the elongated piece of shrapnel lodged in Kakuzu's nose like a gaudy piercing to be especially amusing. "Hah! You had it coming, asshole. My deity has punished you for being so callous towards the pain of his messenger!" _Deidara must've split during the explosion. For such an attention whore, he's surprisingly good at going unnoticed when he needs to._

Unfortunately for Hidan, notice is exactly what he brought upon himself with his verbal jab. And judging from the burning fury in Kakuzu's eyes, the ninja no longer seemed to care who he killed, as long as he sated his temper. _Eheh... Now that I think about it, Kakuzu's other arm works just fine. I should probably- Aw hell._

Hidan's instincts pulled him to one side just in time, narrowly avoiding Kakuzu's launched arm. Hidan ducked around the lashing black ropes attempting to tie him down and made a mad dash for the exit, the enraged Kakuzu in hot pursuit. _This is gonna be a long night..._


End file.
